Striving toward what is ahead

Here’s the truth about my life right now: it’s hard for me to do worse.  My life could easily be worse – there are a million blessings that I could lose – but I’ve been so lazy about work, lazy about church, lazy about choir, lazy about OTHER choir; failing to grocery shop or plan meals or work out; failing to get the water/green tea/protein/whatever that I’d planned.

Basically, any effort I put in?  It can’t make things worse.

(Unless I pull a yo-yo and binge to go the opposite direction.  I guess?  Hmmmr.)

Anyway, today has involved
– Raisin Bran and milk
– a cup of coffee and a cup of OJ
– Blood Orange 2% Fage yogurt

and will entail a frozen Luvo meal for lunch, and baked salmon + salad for dinner.  My last grocery trip landed me some ground beef, frozen green beans and edamame, eggs, red pepper, mixed spring greens, and a crown of broccoli.  Hoping to get into better eating habits this week (this month (this year)).

[mild whinging; feel free to ignore]

I’m tired and I’m sad.

I feel like I’ve been sleeping enough; I’ve been taking my Lexapro/escitalopram as directed; I’ve been eating…well, not brilliantly, but not rubbish.

Why am I so tired? Possibly buildup – we had a company party at work on Friday; thereafter I went to a wedding; it kept me up until 12:30 at least; I got up fairly early on Saturday to join the crew of people moving my pastor’s household across town; I went to bed early that night to get up around 6 on Sunday to prepare for early service; after singing at church, I drove downtown to tour the Fisher building with friends; got lunch at Woodbridge Pub; and ended up napping part of the afternoon/evening because I had a headache.

Why am I sad? Nothing big – no deaths in the family, injury, or particularly bad things. But I keep being sad that I’m single, keep being mildly dissatisfied with my job/weight/inability to Keep Up, and keep feeling like I ought to have done more by now – by this point in my life, by this point in the year, by this point in Advent.

Mum and I are doing WeightWatchers starting in January. Oldest brother’s getting married, so desperate measures etc.

…the real weight of the tiredness, I think, is that it makes me so apathetic. All I want to do is to go home and sleep. I think I’ve hit that point where my exhaustion/depression? is interfering with my work. Partly because, I mean, how much does the work matter? Why do I need to do it, and why not just take all my vacation days to rest for a bit?

6/29/15 food log

Food log
3 oz pulled pork (with whatever sauce it was cooked with)
1 English muffin, toasted
1 c coffee, creamer
1 c coffee, creamer
5 oz?  1.5 c pasta salad
3 oz pulled pork
1 English muffin, toasted
14 oz water
14 oz water
3 macarons
3 oz chocolate cake
1 c tea, cream, sugar
5 oz pulled pork
1 brioche bun
Snap pea

Did 106 squats.

Incentive & Motivation

Like I noted earlier, my Lenten bet with my brother over who could lose a greater percentage of body weight ended with me triumphant.  I’m not much slenderer, but I am $150 richer.  I figure I can use the $150 to buy new sports bras, a second (or third?) pair of workout pants, underwear, eggs, Greek yogurt, chicken, quinoa, and produce.

Upon my noting this to my brother, he replied that since he wants both of us to be slimmer and healthier, he would gladly incentivize my weight loss with shopping money if that would help.

So we have struck an agreement:

That if I lose 10% of my body weight (19.26 lbs) between now and June 1st (to reach 173.3 lbs), I shall get a reward of $300;
if I lose 10% of the new weight (17.33 lbs) within 2 months of achieving 173.34 (to reach 156 lbs), I shall get another $300;
if I carry on and lose a further 10% from there (15.6 lbs) within 90 days (to reach 140.4), I shall get another $300;
and if I manage to hit 140 pounds within 6 months (so…by this time in October), he’ll add in another $100 to make it an even thousand dollars altogether.
“You could probably manage to enjoy shopping for clothes if you had a thousand dollars,” my brother noted.
“And so much the better if I weighed 50 pounds less,” I replied.

Part of me doubts that this is safe, or even possible, but it really is nice to dream.  Fitting in a smaller bridesmaid dress in August.  Being the same weight as my high school self at the 10-year reunion in September (good Lord, I’ve become the person fretting about her 10 year reunion).  Presumably having an easier time finding cuter clothing.

So.  Incentive (related, semantically, to ‘setting the tune’ or ‘inciting,’ but also associated with incendere “to kindle”) will, I hope, set me on a path, kindle a desire in me, produce the steam to make the engine move.  Which is what motivation does: drives, impels, pushes forward.

Guess we’ll see how I do this time around.

The Minorest of Successes (4/6/15 log)

Well, I obviously had 3 or 4 wasted weeks, health and weight-loss-wise.

But by virtue of not gaining back weight to reach 197 pounds again…I won the bet!

I’m hoping to get back in the groove.  Or, well, to carve a new groove.  Therefore, here’s yesterday’s food log (unhealthy though all of it was), to get back into practice:

1 c coffee, creamer
Cinnamon roll
2 hardboiled egg whites
2 hot dogs (with bun and 2 tbsp ketchup apiece)
Handful of chips
1 c coffee, creamer
1 c coffee, creamer?
Chocolate caramel pecan egg
Car bomb cupcake
14 oz milk
1 Vitamin D gummy
2 potatoes, 1 egg, flour – fashioned into potato pancakes, fried in veg oil


Today involved taking a BEAST of a motion and brief to file it with the court.  I’m talking 30 pages plus all the attachments.  There were 61 exhibits.  This is not normal.  We probably went through 5 reams of paper by the time we’d printed out 2 copies for court, 1 for our file, and 2 for opposing counsel.

So it’s a good thing I’ve been doing strength training, because I might not have been able to carry it from my car to the courthouse otherwise!

Pasta-caprese salad
1 piece of bread
2/3 c coffee, creamer
1 c coffee, creamer
1 c water
1 c coffee, creamer?
1 c green tea
1 c water
Pasta-caprese salad
1 piece bread
String cheese
String cheese
1 piece bread
1 c tea, whipped cream
5 pieces skinny bacon
3 pieces thick bacon
1 piece quiche
Tonic water + cilantro syrup

3/11/15 food log

Today was almost suspiciously warm and sunny.  It’s like 2012 all over again.  I’m not usually one for sunshine – too bright – but it does rather make me feel like good things might be afoot.  Like I might be getting over Daylight Savings time and my period and all those emotions from the past week.  We’ll see where I’m at after Lenten service tonight.

Also: I introduced one of my co-workers to the concept of raw green beans.  My family grew them in our back garden, once upon a time, so it’s just customary to eat a handful without cooking them.  It had never occurred to her to try it, and she was pleasantly surprised by the flavor.

Fage yogurt, peach
1 c coffee, creamer
1 egg, hard-boiled
1 c coffee, creamer
4 oz chicken
1/2 c quinoa
1/2 c tomato/onion sauce
1 egg, hard-boiled
1 c tea
1 c coffee, creamer
Green beans.  Not certain how many.  40?  Raw.
2 servings pasta-caprese salad
1 serving Whole Foods couscous salad
1/2 serving green bean salad
1 serving spring mix salad
1/8 c walnuts
1/4 c raspberries
1/4 c blueberries
3 pieces bread
8 oz water
1 Samoa cookie

Singleness, Beauty, Thoughts, and Feelings

I spent most of my workday yesterday in contemplation. First: contemplation of being single in the church, and the particular ways in which that gets rough. Aside from 4 months in 2007, I’ve been single for 10 years (ie, the entirety of my adult life, starting at age 18); I’m not sure where to look for a spouse since all the guys at church are married. The church doesn’t know what to tell me, which makes both my faith walk and my single life that much more difficult.

Then: contemplation of beauty and being beautiful, thanks to a blog post from a college acquaintance.  She essentially said “The things that make me feel beautiful are the things that make me feel strong/healthy/competent/smart/etc; they rarely make me appear beautiful.” Which is great for her, I guess, but…well, it’s not the same for me. If I feel healthy, I feel healthy; if smart, then smart. It doesn’t magically translate into feeling beautiful, because those concepts are just different things.

…unsurprisingly, I rarely (if ever) feel beautiful. I try not to harp on that, but I’ve said it before and it remains the case.

So then that got me thinking about women in the media (made-up and arranged by experts, dressed by different experts and a lot of money, photoshopped into unreality) and movies (again, chosen for their appearance to start with, then dressed and arranged and painted by experts with money earmarked for the purpose). Even the “average” girls in movies are made to look beautiful, which leaves one wondering whether there exists a movie about an actual average person. Which got me reading a post about how passion and competence can render an average man more attractive to the masses but more rarely does so for average women; a different post about Nia Vardalos (of My Big Fat Greek Wedding) writing her own scripts for that reason; and one last post about how girls don’t feel comfortable with a “higher-league” guy unless there’s very clearly something else wrong with him.

In the afternoon, my brother shared this op-ed about medicating women’s feelings with me, interested to know my thoughts. Which I wrote out for him (shan’t do so here, unless someone’s interested, because it got lengthy), in between looking at the price of plane flights to attend some weddings this year. I had planned to split the cost of a hotel next month with two friends, but they’ve both backed out, and the flight alone would run $600-800, which is a big chunk of my travel budget. The flight to a different wedding in August (one I’m actually in, for a friend I’ve seen way more often the past few years) will be $500, and I don’t know how much the hotel will be just yet.

After I got home and had dinner, I got an e-mail from a friend. Said friend married the guy I was enamored with for years (I’m getting over it, but not as rapidly as they’re sprinting through life milestones: they got engaged last March and married last May) and just gave birth to their firstborn last Friday.

It’s like the day was one big circle. I’m just getting exhausted by other people’s milestones and the celebration thereof.  What I really need is a good cry, but I was too numb for that.  So I went to bed at 9:30.